"The River and the Mirror" Understanding Selfing in Gestalt Therapy(A metaphorical story about the self as a process)
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Let me tell you a story.
Imagine a young woman named Ayla who walks each morning by the side of a wide, flowing river. She often stops by a mirror placed at the riverbank. The mirror doesn’t hang in the air, it only shows her reflection when she steps near it.
Each time Ayla looks, she sees a slightly different version of herself. One day she looks peaceful, her hair softly blowing in the wind. Another day, her eyes look tired and her posture is closed. The reflection isn’t always the same because who she is changes with each moment, with her mood, the weather, the people around her, or the thoughts passing through her mind.
At first, Ayla is confused. “Why don’t I look the same each time?” she asks.
Then, she hears the gentle voice of the river:
“You are not a fixed thing, Ayla. You are like me—flowing, changing, adjusting. You are not a statue standing on the bank. You are a river too. Who you are is not stored inside you like a box of identity. It is made each time you meet the world.”
This is what Gestalt Therapy means by “self as process” or “selfing.”
Selfing: The Self is Not a Thing, It's a Process
In many old theories, the self was thought to be like a core hidden deep inside us, something fixed and unchanging. But in Gestalt, we believe the self is created through contact, like Ayla meeting her reflection. The self appears in the space between me and the world, like the water touching the shore.
Each time we meet a person, make a decision, feel something, or act, we are "selfing" creating a version of ourselves that fits that moment. That version will shift again in the next moment, just like Ayla's reflection shifts with the light and the breeze.
You Are Not "A Narcissist"... You Are Selfing in a Narcissistic Way Right Now
Let’s imagine Ayla once met a therapist who told her, “You are a narcissist.” That felt like someone had written a label on her forehead that she couldn’t wash off. But Gestalt Therapy would say:
“No, you’re not a narcissist. You are someone who, in some moments, may behave in self-focused ways, often because of past pain or current need. But in another moment, you may be kind, giving, and open. You are always changing, you are always selfing.”
Just like we can't step into the same river twice, we can't meet the same version of a person twice.
Inter-Existence: We Are Made in Relationship
Think of a spider’s web. The spider (you) weaves strands to different corners, family, friends, work, hobbies, weather, even the food you eat. Each time the spider touches a different thread, it vibrates differently and that vibration shapes the spider’s next move.
Likewise, your self is shaped by each relationship with people, with your body, with time, with your thoughts. You might be playful with one friend, serious with a colleague, and tender with your child. All these are you, just different forms of your selfing.
So, when we say “relationship”, we don’t just mean with people. We mean your changing relationship with your habits, your interests, your body, your dreams.
Spontaneity and Adjustment
Sometimes, Ayla’s rhythm with the river is smooth. She runs along the path, feels the wind, and feels alive. Other times, arthritis slows her down. Her relationship with running changes it becomes painful, or even frustrating.
Still, she adapts. She adjusts. And this adjusting is also selfing.
Gestalt Therapy helps people when that flow of adjustment gets stuck when you can't meet the moment as it is, because of fear, old pain, or confusion. The therapist helps restore the natural rhythm
like getting back into step with the dance of life.
Final Thought
So what is “selfing”?
It is the act of being you, in motion, moment by moment.
It is not a fixed identity, but a living response to the world.
It is meeting the world with awareness, adjusting, choosing, and flowing.
As the philosopher Heraclitus said:
“You can never step into the same river twice.”Because both you and the river are always changing.
